March 12, 2013

Praise the Lord and Pass the Coca-Cola

Set aside yesterday's court decision striking down Hizzoner Nanny Bloomberg's Gargantuan Gulp ban as that rare triumph of common sense in an increasingly inexplicable world. To me, it's worth cash money that the judge who made it is named Milton A. Tingling -- a truly epic nom de famille if there ever was one. It's a pity Tom Wolfe never used that for a character in one of his books.

Basically, the judge -- who shall be known henceforth with the greatest amount of affection as "The Tingler" -- slapped Bloomberg down pretty hard, calling the soda ban "arbitrary and capricious," which is legalese for bat-guano stupid. He rightfully pointed out that the rule, as written, had so many carveouts and exceptions that couldn't even be uniformly applied across the same block, much less across the entire city. More than that, however, the Tingler went even further when he declared that it wasn't up to New York's Board of Health to save citizens from their own nasty eating and drinking habits. If thou chooseth the death of a thousand Mountain Dew Code Reds, then so be it. The government has no compelling interest to stand in your way.

Bloomberg, of course, has vowed to appeal the decision. In his mind, and in the minds of his minions, sugary drinks lead to obesity and obesity is a public health hazard, because obese people end up suffering from all kinds of preventable diseases that result from their condition. Taxpayers, natch, end up footing large chunks of the bill (no pun intended) through Medicare and Medicaid -- so therefore the government does indeed have an interest in keeping you healthy. After all, we're only being responsible stewards of the public dime, right?

Ah, if only leftists felt that way about all spending. But I digress...

For the moment, let's accept Bloomberg's logic as sound. Toward that end, I say let's go all-out and take a real stand for public health -- starting with STDs. We all know the terrible toll HIV has taken on society, not to mention the scourge that is herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia. I submit it's simply too dangerous to allow New Yorkers to make decisions about sex for themselves. And just like sugar, sexual activity needs to be regulated in order to prevent its abuse:

No sex shall be permitted without the use of a condom.

No person shall be allowed more than one (1) sexual partner within a twelve month period of time. Dispensations may be granted if both prospective partners submit to a full health screening prior to any sexual contact, with no more than two (2) dispensations to be granted in any calendar year.

In those limited circumstances in which sex will be used for the purposes of procreation, an exception to the condom rule can be granted by sending a written request to the Department of Health no less than three (3) weeks before the intended sexual encounters are to commence.

I'm sure that if New York mandates these rules for its citizens, we'll see a huge decline in STDs and a commensurate drop in the expenses related to treating these diseases. So how about it? Is New York ready to change from Sex and the City to No Sex in the City? After all, it's for the public good.

I'm sure Bloomberg will get right back to us on that.

Hatched by Korso on this day, March 12, 2013, at the time of 8:30 AM

Comments

The following hissed in response by: wtanksleyjr

The above hissed in response by: wtanksleyjr at March 12, 2013 12:31 PM

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The above hissed in response by: snochasr at March 13, 2013 4:43 PM

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