Category ►►► Humerus Kneecappers

September 7, 2008

Funniest Quote of the Week...

We innaugurate a new feature of Pig Lizards tonight: the Quote of the Week!

(The label "Quote of the Weak" attached to such posts does not constitute any warranty or guarantee that a post will in fact be selected each seven-day period and dubbed the "Quote of the Weak." Past results do not guarantee future performance. All the glistens is not gold. Reader waives all responsibility and liability for the non-appearance in any given week of a "Quote of the Weak." Now git. Adios, muchachos. 23 skiddoo.)

I plan to trot this hoary, old chestnut out whenever somebody on the web or the air writes or says something that makes me laugh out loud.

This week, the miscreant is Wolf Howling; here, grok this:

As the left becomes more frightened by the popularity of Sarah Palin, they are becoming ever more unhinged in their attacks. The first one is an article in the "LA Progressive" that, as Michelle Malkin notes, reads like something out of the Onion. Apparently, the author has found a bevy of unidentied people in Alaska who are willing to tell a sordid tale of racism and sexism by Gov. Palin, but too afraid to be identified lest they be sent to a secret Alaskan Gulag and . . . snowboarded, I guess.

Oh. The rest of the post is good, too. But I howled at GW's one-liner. Of course, I'd had one of my "special" apple martinis (Sky vodka, Dekuyper apple schnapps, lime juice, molasses, Sterno, absinthe, cocktail cheese wedge anchored w/peppermint flavored dental floss) and was listening to No Doubt at the time, which might have aided the effect.

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, September 7, 2008, at the time of 10:29 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

April 6, 2008

The Things That Make Lizards Laugh

I happened to be reading the Wikipedia entry for Morgantown, West Virginia. Does anybody else find this sentence laugh-out-loud funny, in a Bob Newhart sort of way?

Morgantown is the largest city in North-Central West Virginia, and is the principal city of the Morgantown, West Virginia Metropolitan Statistical Area.

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, April 6, 2008, at the time of 1:10 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 11, 2008

At Long Last, Patterico Posts Something Interesting!

Ever since a particular guest blogger moved on to greener and more reptilian pastures, Patterico's Pontifications just hasn't been the same. But there are still flashes of brilliance that recall those glory days of 2005.

Patterico -- I like to call the wife of the Mozart-loving Patterico "Patterica," but he still hasn't figured out why -- finds frequent occasion to point to some goofball blogger named SEK (no, it's not Samuel Edward Konkin the IIIrd, blogging from behind the veil). Grand Master P. seems to think SEK is hilarious (which he probably pronounces George-Will fashion: HIGH-larious); in fact, SEK is about as funny as Al Franken with dyspepsia.

But this -- this -- is funny as all get out. (What does that mean? "As funny as all get out." "Shut the front door!" "What, after the horse has already escaped?" I don't get it.)

And I rib you not, this yolk actually came from Patterico himself. I don't know what came over him; he's not generally known as the Uncle Miltie of the blogosphere. For one thing, Patterico invariably ends every joke he tells with the same punchline ("Is that all you do? Bird impressions?"), no matter what joke he started off telling: "A drunk, a cripple, two Jews, and an ex-Secretary of the Interior went into a bar, and the cripple said -- is that all you do? Bird impressions?"

But somehow, Patterico channeled the disembodied spirit of Jackie Mason this time. Which must have come as a terrible shock to Mr. Mason, who is still sucking air.

Look, first you have to read that thing I linked just above, even though it comes later; Patterico has written a blogpost to the extracting standards of the Los Angeles Times... following the rules they do, rather than the rules they say.

Next, read this explanation, which he posted a minute earlier, for some obscure reason known only to God, Patterico, and Brother Theodore -- and two of them are dead. He (Patterico, not God) explains exactly where he got each particular rule he uses to smear honey on Tim Rutten and bury him in a fire-ant hill (a giggle that Patterico learnt during his two years in seminary school back in Vermont, 1973).

Here is a single, brief snippet from the explanation, just for flavor:

[I]n his latest column, Rutten erroneously claims that, at the beginning of Bush’s presidency, Cheney and his allies “arrived packing heavy artillery” and executed a “coup d’etat.”

Here, I am using the L.A. Times-approved technique of taking a metaphor and pretending that it is an erroneous statement. Rutten does say in his column that, at the outset of Bush’s presidency, “Cheney, his staff and his allies arrived packing heavy artillery in the form of the unitary executive theory.” The “packing heavy artillery” bit was a metaphor. You know, kind of like when Bush, speaking about Iraq, said: “Mandela is dead, because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.” That was a metaphor too -- but the paper felt justified in calling it an “erroneous[]” statement.

If they can take Bush’s metaphors and call them mistakes, why, I can do it to Tim Rutten. Is that all you do? Bird impressions?

The pair of posts were simply highlarious. I laughed until I stopped! And so will you, if you give them half a chance (i.e., read with your right hand covering you left eye).

I reckon some things will ever change. Thank God.

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, February 11, 2008, at the time of 2:13 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

November 9, 2007

Fake Post on Attorney General Michael Mukasey

This is a "fake post" because all I plan to do is quote liberally from a New York Times story... then make a stupid, "shaggy dog" joke at the end. So stop reading! Don't proceed any further, I beg of you... it's all just a colossal waste of your valuable time.

From today's Times:

The attorney general’s post became vacant in late August when Mr. Gonzales stepped down. For months, he had faced severe criticism over accusations that political calculations played a part in the department’s dismissal of some United States attorneys last year and over his role in shaping the administration’s policies on torture and electronic surveillance.

Mr. Mukasey was initially hailed by Democrats as a leader who would bring welcome change to the Justice Department. His nomination had been recommended by Senator Charles E. Schumer, Democrat of New York, a member of the party leadership familiar with Mr. Mukasey from his service on the bench in New York.

On the first day of his confirmation hearings, Mr. Mukasey said he would resign if directed by the White House to take any action he believed was illegal or violated the Constitution, winning Democratic praise [..."And there was great rejoicing"]. On the second day of his testimony, Mr. Mukasey sidestepped the question of whether waterboarding was torture and also suggested that the president’s Constitutional powers could supersede federal law in some cases [..."there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth"].

Those responses stirred strong Democratic opposition, throwing his confirmation into question.

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY, 100%) appears to have known Michael Mukasey from long back; and Schumer, relying upon his own fond memories instead of the intensive vetting and interviewing they usually use, believed that Mukasey was the ideal man to turn the Department of Justice into the Department of Bush Bashery.

Based on past experience, Schumer clearly expected Mukasey to become a thorn in the president's eyes, eventually forcing President Bush to reject all of the various "tortures" that he currently allows CIA interrogators to employ:

• Shouting at top al-Qaeda prisoners
• Making them stand at attention
• Waterboarding them
• Even giving them the horrific and internationally condemned "belly slap"

Perhaps, Schumer fantasized, Mukasey's relentless opposition would force Bush to release all of the terrorist prisoners at Guantanamo Bay into ordinary civilian court, where liberal judges could swiftly dismiss the cases -- when the government proved unwilling to yank military leaders from the field to the courtroom and hand over critical, classified national-security documents as the defense demanded.

Surely Schumer daydreamed that he would be able to parlay these dismissals into a campaign theme that Republicans enjoyed torturing innocent people... just for kicks. But suddenly, Mukasey threw a monkey wrench into the ointment. He became a Bushenstein's monster, making it clear whose side he was really on.

Schumer and the Democrats found themselves trapped in a world they had made: Having brought his name up in the first place and pushed him so hard, they could not turn on Mukasey when they realized how different he was than Chuck Schumer remembered. The senior senator from New York would lose so much face, he'd look like Red Skull. Or maybe Alan Cranston.

Clearly, the Democrats were stunned and hurt by this about-face on Mukasey's part; and I'm sure they've spent many a sleepless night wondering what bribes, threats, or other inducements the president must have offered the Attorney General to get him to switch like that.

But I think they've missed an obvious answer: Has anyone ever considered the possibility that... Judge Mukasey simply grew in office?

Well, see, I warned you about this "post" -- charlatanism, through and through. But you just wouldn't listen. And as Larry Niven is wont to say, "not responsible for advice not taken."

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, November 9, 2007, at the time of 5:55 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 10, 2007

Patterico, This One's For You...

A news alert for Patterico -- someone send him e-mail!

From today's 1/2-Hour News Hour...

This just in: A six hundred trillion ton meteor has just been detected hurtling towards the Earth. The good news: Paris Hilton is back in jail.

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, June 10, 2007, at the time of 10:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 25, 2007

Caption This!

Here is something we've never done before (and for a darned good reason): Let's see who can invent the best caption to this pair of photos -- and then the exact same photos swapped left for right!

I was reading this long and boring AP story that had absolutely nothing interesting to say, but I was struck by a pair of pix they ran. I call them "Pointy Bush" and "Pointy Gonzales" (not to be confused with Speedy Gonzales):

To me, this one is a touching juxtaposition that evokes Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling, God's creation of Adam:

But I can't decide whether it's funnier pasting them in as above, or reversing the images:

Alas, this one disturbingly makes me think of Custer's last stand!

Either way, you oughta be able to think up some real knee-slapper of a caption. So go to it! Get busy! What are you still waiting around for -- a picket sign?

Post your captions -- specifying whether they're for "Sistine" or "Custer" -- in the comments, and we'll see who is the most fertile.

(I mean "fertile" in a completely non-sexual way, of course, referring only to creativity and humor.)

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, March 25, 2007, at the time of 2:24 AM | Comments (25) | TrackBack

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