Category ►►► Humerus Kneecappers
June 21, 2011
Laughter Is the Best Rebuke
One must presume that a particular word in yesterday's transcript from la Casa Blanca (via Drudge) is simply a "word-o". In this section of his speech to (who else?) the Democratic National Committee -- does he ever preach to anyone but the choir these days? -- President Barack H. Obama is extolling his administration's exemplary performance on the economy... starting from the worst economy since the depths of the Republican Great Depression, which the Obamunist inherited from his Republican predecessor, and taking it to the powerhouse and envy of the world it is today:
It is wonderful to see all of you. I've got a lot of friends in the room here. People who knew me before anybody could pronounce my name. (Laughter.) People who knew me before I had gray hair. (Laughter.) It is wonderful to see those of you who’ve been friends for a long time, and it’s wonderful to see new friends here as well.
What I'd like to do is to make some very brief remarks at the top and then have a chance to take a few questions, because that will give us a chance to have a dialogue, and you might have some suggestion that we haven’t thought of. And it’s one of the great things about these kinds of events is people here have so much expertise in so many different areas that it’s a wonderful thing for me to be able to pick your brain as well as just you guys hearing me chatter.
We are obviously going through one of the toughest periods in American history. We went through the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, and immediately after being elected, I had to take a series of very difficult steps to rescue ourselves from the brink. We had lost 4 million jobs in the six months before I was sworn in; lost another 4 million during the period probably six months after I was elected. And so as a consequence, we had to do some things that we didn’t expect we would have to do, just to save the economy -- stabilize the financial system, make sure that states and local governments didn’t have to lay off police officers and cops and firefighters. We had to save an auto industry. I never expected to be a automobile executive. (Laughter.)
As a consequence of that swift, decisive, and sometimes difficult period, we were able to take an economy that was shrinking by about 6 percent and create an economy that is now growing, and has grown steadily now over many consecutive quarters. Over the last 15 months we’ve created over 2.1 million private sector jobs. (Laughter.)
I'm sure the laff line will very swiftly be "corrected" to (Applause), assuming the Obama administration is slightly more attuned to the internet than it is to the functioning and discontents of the economy itself. But until it is, it stands as a witty retort to the fundamental absurdity of his incessant, and increasingly mocked, victory laps around the Oval Orifice.
September 10, 2010
And now a guest post from a well-known, concerned reader:
What's all this talk I hear about some pastor in Gainsville or Miami or one of those states pushing for an International Burn a Korean Day?
How can a Christian talk about burning people? Christians don't burn people. We've never burned people! I mean, I don't particularly like Korean food. It's too hot, especially kachoomi. But just because Korean food burns your tongue doesn't give you any excuse to go out and burn Koreans!
What is this world coming to? It's monstrous to talk about roasting human beings just because they smell funny and can't even decide which direction their country is, north or south. Even just suggesting an International Burn a Korean Day should get that pastor exfrockticated.
I could understand an International Burn a Social-Security Administrator Day, or maybe a Burn a Hobo Day; those tramps always frighten me. And those sticks with a tied-up handerchief they carry... you never know what's in them!
But you can't single out one race, not even Koreans, and start burning them. Not in this day and age.
I think we should burn that pastoral instead, like...
What's that? It's International Burn a Koran Day? What's a koran?
Oh -- that's very different.
August 5, 2009
Obama Birthday Officially Declared National Holiday of Thanksgiving
Children recruited across nation to praise the Dear Leader, sing birthday songs, and create the world's largest beaded photo mosaic of President Barack H. Obama.
Dulcet tones will echo in every city, town, and hamlet in the United States as 48,000 children -- 1,000 for every year of the Obamacle's life -- simultaneously sing the special birthday song at exactly 6:42 and 18 seconds A.M. Hawaii time... the exact moment of Barack Obama's birth, as reportedly recorded on the long-form birth certificate of our 44th President, according to unidentified officials who have actually seen it somewhere.
The song -- "the Battle Hymn of Hope" -- was composed by Sir Elton John and Danny Elfman... with kibbitzing from Liza Minelli via teleconference from the Sagging Mountains Prandial Control Sanitarium.
The first verse, which was released to the press yesterday at a conference held in the Western White House on the grounds formerly occupied by Neverland, expresses the child singers' joy that Mr. Obama has come to save their schools from financial collapse and negative attitudes:
Oh yes we do
To our Dear Leader
We shall be true
At last our country
Obama, we serve you!
According to knowledgeable insiders who refused to give their real names -- mysteriously insisting they be identified only as Shadrach, Meshach, and I.B. Nekkid, or the Three Young Dudes -- the other thirteen verses commemorate the great labors B.O. has already performed since January 20th.
The main festivities will commence immediately the song sputters to a close. Fluorescent candles will be activated to simulate the 77 days of turmoil between the election and the inauguration, when even the wisest were unsure who exactly was President anyway. After the invocation by the Berrigan Brothers, a brief and fleeting moment of silence will be observed to commemorate the seven lean years to come. The previous administration will be lightly dusted with flour and baked in effigy.
A three-day bank/school holiday has been declared. The One We Have Been Salivating For will end the solemn interval by singing an executive order declaring liberty, equality, and fraternity for all; the emancipation of all the slaves; and a long sought end to divisive and uncharitable criticism of the Dear Leader and his Dear Administration.
Poi and Spam sushi will be served in every school cafeteria during the ceremonies until Freaky Friday, when the penance shall be lifted for all those who avoided it earlier.
American voters of every race, creed, ideology, and nationality are invited to participate in this historic, audacious event by sending in their pledge cards and union votes. Beverages and health care will be available at subsidized prices.
April 9, 2009
All right, this is just weird: Extreme sheep art.
Don't ask. Don't tell. Don't give up. The ship.
February 21, 2009
Steven Crowder: Rants 4 Big Fun
Nothing to see here, just move along...
Rants from Steven Crowder: Collect the whole set, kids!
October 30, 2008
Ex-patriot Liberal Intellectuals' Theocracy-Escape Plan
(Yes, I know it should be "expatriate," but a quote is a quote.)
Friend Lee sent this along; I don't know where he got it, but presumably it's all over the dextrosphere by now, because Big Lizards prides itself on always being the last to know.
Liberals, don't just talk about moving to Canada if McCain wins the White House... do it! Do it using the E.L.I.T.E. plan:
Democrats, don't be defeatists... be ELITE-ists!
September 7, 2008
Funniest Quote of the Week...
We innaugurate a new feature of Pig Lizards tonight: the Quote of the Week!
(The label "Quote of the Weak" attached to such posts does not constitute any warranty or guarantee that a post will in fact be selected each seven-day period and dubbed the "Quote of the Weak." Past results do not guarantee future performance. All the glistens is not gold. Reader waives all responsibility and liability for the non-appearance in any given week of a "Quote of the Weak." Now git. Adios, muchachos. 23 skiddoo.)
I plan to trot this hoary, old chestnut out whenever somebody on the web or the air writes or says something that makes me laugh out loud.
This week, the miscreant is Wolf Howling; here, grok this:
As the left becomes more frightened by the popularity of Sarah Palin, they are becoming ever more unhinged in their attacks. The first one is an article in the "LA Progressive" that, as Michelle Malkin notes, reads like something out of the Onion. Apparently, the author has found a bevy of unidentied people in Alaska who are willing to tell a sordid tale of racism and sexism by Gov. Palin, but too afraid to be identified lest they be sent to a secret Alaskan Gulag and . . . snowboarded, I guess.
Oh. The rest of the post is good, too. But I howled at GW's one-liner. Of course, I'd had one of my "special" apple martinis (Sky vodka, Dekuyper apple schnapps, lime juice, molasses, Sterno, absinthe, cocktail cheese wedge anchored w/peppermint flavored dental floss) and was listening to No Doubt at the time, which might have aided the effect.
April 6, 2008
The Things That Make Lizards Laugh
I happened to be reading the Wikipedia entry for Morgantown, West Virginia. Does anybody else find this sentence laugh-out-loud funny, in a Bob Newhart sort of way?
Morgantown is the largest city in North-Central West Virginia, and is the principal city of the Morgantown, West Virginia Metropolitan Statistical Area.
February 11, 2008
At Long Last, Patterico Posts Something Interesting!
Ever since a particular guest blogger moved on to greener and more reptilian pastures, Patterico's Pontifications just hasn't been the same. But there are still flashes of brilliance that recall those glory days of 2005.
Patterico -- I like to call the wife of the Mozart-loving Patterico "Patterica," but he still hasn't figured out why -- finds frequent occasion to point to some goofball blogger named SEK (no, it's not Samuel Edward Konkin the IIIrd, blogging from behind the veil). Grand Master P. seems to think SEK is hilarious (which he probably pronounces George-Will fashion: HIGH-larious); in fact, SEK is about as funny as Al Franken with dyspepsia.
But this -- this -- is funny as all get out. (What does that mean? "As funny as all get out." "Shut the front door!" "What, after the horse has already escaped?" I don't get it.)
And I rib you not, this yolk actually came from Patterico himself. I don't know what came over him; he's not generally known as the Uncle Miltie of the blogosphere. For one thing, Patterico invariably ends every joke he tells with the same punchline ("Is that all you do? Bird impressions?"), no matter what joke he started off telling: "A drunk, a cripple, two Jews, and an ex-Secretary of the Interior went into a bar, and the cripple said -- is that all you do? Bird impressions?"
But somehow, Patterico channeled the disembodied spirit of Jackie Mason this time. Which must have come as a terrible shock to Mr. Mason, who is still sucking air.
Look, first you have to read that thing I linked just above, even though it comes later; Patterico has written a blogpost to the extracting standards of the Los Angeles Times... following the rules they do, rather than the rules they say.
Next, read this explanation, which he posted a minute earlier, for some obscure reason known only to God, Patterico, and Brother Theodore -- and two of them are dead. He (Patterico, not God) explains exactly where he got each particular rule he uses to smear honey on Tim Rutten and bury him in a fire-ant hill (a giggle that Patterico learnt during his two years in seminary school back in Vermont, 1973).
Here is a single, brief snippet from the explanation, just for flavor:
[I]n his latest column, Rutten erroneously claims that, at the beginning of Bush’s presidency, Cheney and his allies “arrived packing heavy artillery” and executed a “coup d’etat.”
Here, I am using the L.A. Times-approved technique of taking a metaphor and pretending that it is an erroneous statement. Rutten does say in his column that, at the outset of Bush’s presidency, “Cheney, his staff and his allies arrived packing heavy artillery in the form of the unitary executive theory.” The “packing heavy artillery” bit was a metaphor. You know, kind of like when Bush, speaking about Iraq, said: “Mandela is dead, because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.” That was a metaphor too -- but the paper felt justified in calling it an “erroneous” statement.
If they can take Bush’s metaphors and call them mistakes, why, I can do it to Tim Rutten. Is that all you do? Bird impressions?
The pair of posts were simply highlarious. I laughed until I stopped! And so will you, if you give them half a chance (i.e., read with your right hand covering you left eye).
I reckon some things will ever change. Thank God.
November 9, 2007
Fake Post on Attorney General Michael Mukasey
This is a "fake post" because all I plan to do is quote liberally from a New York Times story... then make a stupid, "shaggy dog" joke at the end. So stop reading! Don't proceed any further, I beg of you... it's all just a colossal waste of your valuable time.
From today's Times:
The attorney general’s post became vacant in late August when Mr. Gonzales stepped down. For months, he had faced severe criticism over accusations that political calculations played a part in the department’s dismissal of some United States attorneys last year and over his role in shaping the administration’s policies on torture and electronic surveillance.
Mr. Mukasey was initially hailed by Democrats as a leader who would bring welcome change to the Justice Department. His nomination had been recommended by Senator Charles E. Schumer, Democrat of New York, a member of the party leadership familiar with Mr. Mukasey from his service on the bench in New York.
On the first day of his confirmation hearings, Mr. Mukasey said he would resign if directed by the White House to take any action he believed was illegal or violated the Constitution, winning Democratic praise [..."And there was great rejoicing"]. On the second day of his testimony, Mr. Mukasey sidestepped the question of whether waterboarding was torture and also suggested that the president’s Constitutional powers could supersede federal law in some cases [..."there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth"].
Those responses stirred strong Democratic opposition, throwing his confirmation into question.
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY, 100%) appears to have known Michael Mukasey from long back; and Schumer, relying upon his own fond memories instead of the intensive vetting and interviewing they usually use, believed that Mukasey was the ideal man to turn the Department of Justice into the Department of Bush Bashery.
Based on past experience, Schumer clearly expected Mukasey to become a thorn in the president's eyes, eventually forcing President Bush to reject all of the various "tortures" that he currently allows CIA interrogators to employ:
- Shouting at top al-Qaeda prisoners
- Making them stand at attention
- Waterboarding them
- Even giving them the horrific and internationally condemned "belly slap"
Perhaps, Schumer fantasized, Mukasey's relentless opposition would force Bush to release all of the terrorist prisoners at Guantanamo Bay into ordinary civilian court, where liberal judges could swiftly dismiss the cases -- when the government proved unwilling to yank military leaders from the field to the courtroom and hand over critical, classified national-security documents as the defense demanded.
Surely Schumer daydreamed that he would be able to parlay these dismissals into a campaign theme that Republicans enjoyed torturing innocent people... just for kicks. But suddenly, Mukasey threw a monkey wrench into the ointment. He became a Bushenstein's monster, making it clear whose side he was really on.
Schumer and the Democrats found themselves trapped in a world they had made: Having brought his name up in the first place and pushed him so hard, they could not turn on Mukasey when they realized how different he was than Chuck Schumer remembered. The senior senator from New York would lose so much face, he'd look like Red Skull. Or maybe Alan Cranston.
Clearly, the Democrats were stunned and hurt by this about-face on Mukasey's part; and I'm sure they've spent many a sleepless night wondering what bribes, threats, or other inducements the president must have offered the Attorney General to get him to switch like that.
But I think they've missed an obvious answer: Has anyone ever considered the possibility that... Judge Mukasey simply grew in office?
Well, see, I warned you about this "post" -- charlatanism, through and through. But you just wouldn't listen. And as Larry Niven is wont to say, "not responsible for advice not taken."
June 10, 2007
Patterico, This One's For You...
A news alert for Patterico -- someone send him e-mail!
From today's 1/2-Hour News Hour...
This just in: A six hundred trillion ton meteor has just been detected hurtling towards the Earth. The good news: Paris Hilton is back in jail.
March 25, 2007
Here is something we've never done before (and for a darned good reason): Let's see who can invent the best caption to this pair of photos -- and then the exact same photos swapped left for right!
I was reading this long and boring AP story that had absolutely nothing interesting to say, but I was struck by a pair of pix they ran. I call them "Pointy Bush" and "Pointy Gonzales" (not to be confused with Speedy Gonzales):
Pointy Bush (l), Pointy Gonzales (r)
To me, this one is a touching juxtaposition that evokes Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling, God's creation of Adam:
But I can't decide whether it's funnier pasting them in as above, or reversing the images:
Pointy Gonzales (l), Pointy Bush (r)
Alas, this one disturbingly makes me think of Custer's last stand!
Custer's last stand
Either way, you oughta be able to think up some real knee-slapper of a caption. So go to it! Get busy! What are you still waiting around for -- a picket sign?
Post your captions -- specifying whether they're for "Sistine" or "Custer" -- in the comments, and we'll see who is the most fertile.
(I mean "fertile" in a completely non-sexual way, of course, referring only to creativity and humor.)
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