Big Lizards:Blog:Entry “U.N. Ambassador to the Democratic People's Republic of Alpha Centauri-stan”

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September 27, 2010

U.N. Ambassador to the Democratic People's Republic of Alpha Centauri-stan

Hatched by Dafydd

This story from the U.K. Telegraph sends chills down my spine; its subhead reads:

A space ambassador could be appointed by the United Nations to act as the first point of contact for aliens trying to communicate with Earth.

I'm not frightened, I hasten to add, by the prospect of us discovering alien civilizations, or even by the prospect of alien civilizations discovering us. I'm absolutely convinced that there is no even vaguely plausible reason why extraterrestrials would care one way or the other about us, unless we somehow gave them cause for anxiety:

We couldn't possibly pose a serious threat to any civilization that could cross such vast distances: A single lightyear is 5,874,589,924,200 miles, or about 25 million times the average distance from Earth to the Moon; and the distance between civilizations in the Milky Way galaxy would likely be measured in the thousands or tens of thousands of lightyears. What are we going to shoot at them -- an ICBM? We'd have better luck with a pea-shooter.

All conceivable natural resources are widely distributed throughout the galaxy; and even if they weren't, a civilization that could even attempt interplanetary travel, especially at hyperluminous speeds (so they're not spending millenia on every trip), would necessarily have such advanced science and technology that it would be easier to create any needed elements, materials, and structures than to journey hundreds or thousands of lightyears to take them away from somebody else. Forget about the V scenario!

The distances are simply too great to bother crossing them except on very important missions involving either trade or some other equally vital cultural imperative. I doubt comparatively primitive humans qualify... except perhaps for anthropological survey missions, probably conducted by alien graduate students. (Say, maybe that explains all the UFO sightings: The kids doing the field research are not yet experienced enough to avoid detection!)

If there is any intelligent life at all in the galaxy apart from here, then there are likely tens of thousands of alien civilizations -- not just one or two. We would probably get a minor inscription ("mostly harmless") in a database, and that's all.

So what am I worried about? It's contained in that phrase I used above: ETs wouldn't care a whit about us unless we give them cause for anxiety. And the easiest way I can think of offhand would be... if the very first point of contact for an alien survey vessel was the United Nations!

I can picture the spacefarers recoiling in horror and vowing to stamp out the contagion of socialism, pandering to radical religious imperialism, and hive-mindedness; and that is what scares the bejesus out of me.

Please, Secretary General Nanki-poo, don't do us any more cosmic favors.

Cross-posted on Hot Air's rogues' gallery...

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, September 27, 2010, at the time of 3:14 PM

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Comments

The following hissed in response by: Sabba Hillel

Take a look at James Taranto's comment on this

The creators of "Star Trek" anticipated that problem. In a 1968 episode titled "Patterns of Force," the Enterprise visits Ekos, a Nazi planet whose rulers are plotting genocide against the neighboring planet of Zeon. Don't be surprised if the U.N.'s next move is to pass a resolution declaring that Zeonism is racism.

The above hissed in response by: Sabba Hillel at September 27, 2010 4:48 PM

The following hissed in response by: West

I dunno. Maybe the aliens have invented faster-than-light interstellar travel, but do they have the Dallas Cowboys' Cheerleaders?

If they come here, it'll be for our wimmin!

But a sternly worded memo from the UN will surely dissuade them from executing their nefarious plans.

The above hissed in response by: West at September 27, 2010 6:36 PM

The following hissed in response by: Dick E

Not to worry. President Pooh-Bah and First Lady Pitti-Sing will never let some Malaysian Katisha steal their thunder. They’ll make sure they are the very first to greet ET, bowing deeply from the waist as they do.

Then they’ll demonstrate their consummate hipness by proclaiming "Klaatu barada nikto." That, of course, leads to their immediate demise, because, as Vice President Pish-Tush is informed at his inauguration, "Klaatu barada nikto" means “up yours, Shorty.”

The above hissed in response by: Dick E at September 27, 2010 8:46 PM