February 3, 2013

Let's Ban Hot Rods!

Every year, more than 2,700 teens die in car accidents, and almost 300,000 teenaged car-crash victims are treated in emergency rooms. Crashes are the number-one killer of teenagers... more than all teenaged firearms deaths combined!

Be honest, now: How many of you, when you were teenagers just recently licensed to drive -- or maybe not even that yet! -- drove too fast, raced with your friends, drove under the influence of distractions (chatting with friends, fiddling with the radio, texting, sexting), or obliviously drove through red lights and stop signs?

Why did you do that? What "drove" you to commit such infractions? Here are some answers that many teens might offer:

• I'm just kind of irresponsible in everything, why not driving as well?
• I was distracted by a hot chick on the sidewalk.
• I was distracted because I was fighting with my best friend in the front seat.
• I was distracted by thinking about a hot chick I once saw on the sidewalk a couple of years ago.
• I was playing Halo.
• It seemed like a good idea at the time.
• I was drunk.
• I was stoned.
• I was wasted.
• I was stoned. Wait, what was the question?
• I was hung over from being drunk, stoned, and wasted.
• My girlfriend/boyfriend was doing something naughty to me while I was driving.
• He revved his engine; what else could I do but drag race?

But amazingly, scientific evidence fails to disprove the possibility that all of these answers are wrong. Recent studies conducted by Prius and the United States Department of Energy Depletion have scientifically shown that it is barely possible that the real reason for so many teenagers crashing is the existence of high-velocity engines in cars that have race-style characteristics.

To be shirtless and sweaty -- sorry, I was distracted by thinking about a hot chick I once saw on the sidewalk a couple of years ago; I meant, to be short and sweet, teenagers drive too fast because of the existence of hot rods (and the existence of teenagers).

Put the two together and you get an explosive mixture of high-test fuel and high testosterone that will lure even the most sedate (if not sedated), moderate, lovable, goofy, teenaged "Dr. Walker" into a raging, gear-jamming, pedal-to-the-metal, nitro-infusing, slavering beast of a "Mr. Racer."

Can anybody give me one good reason why we should allow on the streets any car capable of exceeding the slowest posted speed limit? Or indeed any car that has race-like features that entice teens and other subhumans into racing, making "donuts," or playing "chicken?"

I'll take your silence as head-nodding affirmation. Since nobody can prove, legally, why he or she would need a "hot rod," the obvious solution is simply to remove them from the social compact.

Let's ban hot rods!

Recently, the Department of Transporters commissioned a commission, called the Commission of Committing to Preventing the Commission of Infractionary Commissions; that bipartisan federal body has recommended that we need to ban hot rods. Let me be clear: We have no wish to ban or restrict safe and acceptable vehicles; we only want to put the kibosh on vehicles built to exceed some speed limits, or that have race-like features such as tail fins and so-called "spoke" wheels.

The report is titled Let's Ban Hot Rods!, and it will shortly be published by Porka-DoT Press, a wholly owned subsidiary of Bicycle Recreations Unlimited, Ltd, chartered by Americans for Progress Towards an Automobile-Free, Carbon-Free Future, a division of the New York Times (for sale -- cheap!)

For purposes of upcoming regulation by the Environmental Prevention Agency, a Hot Rod will be described thus:

The term ‘hot rod race like vehicle’ means any of the following, regardless of country of manufacture or type of fuel accepted:

(A) A motor vehicle that has the capacity to drive faster than [thirty-five amended] twenty-five miles in an hour and has at least one of the following:

(i) A stick shift

(ii) A hood scoop, operable or merely decorative

(iii) A single row of seats

(iv) A roll bar

(v) An automotive frame taken from any vehicle produced prior to 1980

(vi) A body similar to any motor vehicle depicted in a film or television production that starred any of the following:

(a) Burt Reynolds

(b) Steve McQueen

(c) Elvis Presley

(d) James Dean

(e) That guy who played Rockford, whatever his name is.

(f) Any automobile named after a Confederate Civil-War general.

(g) A wicked paint job, especially any depiction of flames or fast things such as falcons and bumblebees

(h) A racing stripe

(i) A spoiler in front or in back, along the sides, or inside the passenger cab

(B) An automobile that cannot drive faster than [thirty-five amended] twenty-five miles in an hour but sure looks like it ought to do so.

(C) Any part, combination of parts, component, device, attachment, dingle-dangle, doo-dad, or accessory that is designed or functions to accelerate the rate of speed of an automobile but not convert the automobile into a Formula racing automobile, or is designed or functions to give the outward appearance of high velocity (over [thirty-five amended] twenty-five miles in an hour) travel.

(D) A motorcycle that has the capacity to drive faster than [thirty-three amended] twenty-three and a third miles in an hour and any 1 of the following:

(i) A so-called "sissy bar" extending from the rear of the seat

(ii) An extended set of forks

(iii) A "floating" rear wheel

(iv) Any emblem, knob, badge, or other decoration that falls into any of the following categories:

(a) Nazi memorabilia

(b) Shaped like or depicting any full or partial bone of human or animal

(c) Extended middle finger of either hand

(d) Depiction of any copyrighted or trademarked logo

(e) Depiction of any motorcycle club logo

(f) Depiction indended to degrade or devalue, or having the effect of degrading and devaluing, no matter how cockamamie such an inference may be, persons who fall into the following categories:

(I) Gay

(II) Lesbian

(III) Bisexual

(IV) Bestialisexual

(V) Asexual

(VI) Metrosexual

(VII) Omnisexual

(VIII) Female

(IX) Shemale

(X) Transgendered

(XI) Transmogrified

(XII) Transluminous

(XIII) Other

(v) A so-called "suicide" gearshift

(vi) The capacity to accept a detachable sidecar at some location outside of the motorcycle frame

(vii) Slick tires

(viii) A racing stripe

(ix) Fat tires

(x) Flat tires

(H) All of the following automobiles and motorcycles, copies, duplicates, variants, or altered facsimiles with the capability of any such vehicle thereof:

(i) Twenty-three pages of banned Hot Rod Automobiles and Motorcycles omitted due to space constraint; please visit our website at "http://LetsBanAllHotRods.gov//public/index.cfm/files/serve/?File_id=ChildTeenagerAutomotiveRegulationRestrictionProtectionDetectionChildDevelopmentDecencyPromotionSafety.pdf" for a complete listing of vehicles banned in this section of the regulatory definition.

Anybody who is against killing babies and supports truth, justice, and social justice must sign onto this social movement, and get these deadly killing machines out of the hands of children! Anything less would be unpatriotic and a crime against all history.

Anything more would be greatly appreciated: Please send donations, preferably cash or Krugerrands, to Save the Beasts and the Children, c/o Open Society Houndnation, George Soreass Productions, Davos, Switzerland.

Or just address the envelope to "Hillary" and burn it; it will still get there. We have our ways.

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, February 3, 2013, at the time of 5:02 PM

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