January 9, 2013

A Modish Proposal

Hatched by Dafydd

I've tried not to wade into the gun-control/gun-confiscation debate much; it's like arguing with a Creationist: No matter what paranoid, phony-baloney gun hysteria I disprove by hard evidence today, the gun-fearing asses masses will start tomorrow with that very same claim, as a brave new argument that has never been answered!

A few posts ago, in the Emperor's New Gun Groove, I predicted that President Barack "You don't need that!" Obama will turn his second term into a trillion-year spree of gun control and attempts at confiscation. I called it his "central animating crusade and agenda," or CACA. I take none of that back; indeed, Low Joe Biden has conveyed the great thoughts of the imperator (in whose name are all victories won), that the best way to rid America of guns is for the Lightbringer simply to order them gone through imperial decree -- thus bypassing all that messy, time-wasting fro-ing and to-ing in the Roman senate Congress.

By contrast, Sachi has written a most serious post about gun control failures; but it is hanging fire, because I'm supposed to edit the piece but I've been too lazy to get a round tuit.

However, I always have time for frivolity and mirth! So here is my contribution to the literature (hey, Analogies "Я" We!)

As I understand the core argument of gun hysterics, it runneth thus:

  1. Gun abuse is the proximate cause of gun deaths and injuries.
  2. Experts tell us that in 2011, there were about 265,114 gun crimes in the United States, including 8,583 gun murders.
  3. By definition, without access to a gun, a person cannot commit a gun crime, accidentally shoot someone with a gun, or otherwise abuse a gun.
  4. So if we confiscate and destroy all the guns in the United States, then nobody can criminally or accidentally shoot anyone.
  5. That means there will be 265,114 fewer crimes and 8,583 fewer murders per year.
  6. Some bitter-clingers claim that firearms can be useful and beneficial, for example, by aiding self-defense to criminal assaults; but with all these gun deaths, we simply cannot risk humoring these fanatics.
  7. So to hell with all this "gun rights" gibberish, time to abolish all guns today. Think of all the children and senior citizens who are victimized daily by gun-crazied right-wingers!

This is a clear and persuasive argument, virtually unanswerable; it is so crisp, in fact, that I should like to import it to another case, many times deadlier, yet very similar to this one:

  1. Eating too much food and eating carelessly are the proximate causes of food deaths from obesity and choking and such.
  2. Experts tell us that in 2009, obesity caused between 112,000 and 365,000 premature deaths per year.
  3. By definition, without access to food, a person cannot overeat and cannot become obese.
  4. So if we confiscate and destroy all the food in the United States, then nobody can die or be hospitalized because of obesity.
  5. That means there will be between 112,000 and 365,000 fewer premature deaths per year.
  6. Some gluttonous fatties claim that food can be useful and beneficial, for example, by preventing people from starving to death; but with all these obesity-related deaths, we simply cannot risk humoring these voracious, overeating pigs.
  7. So to hell with all this "food rights" gibberish, time to confiscate and destroy all food in America today. Think of all the children and senior citizens who are victimized daily by the irresistable sight of mountains of food!

I think this is a fine, fine argument as well, every bit as logical as the previous one up-page. So let's redouble our efforts to eliminate the danger posed both by the millions of American firearms, and by all the potentially deadly food we produce in this rapacious republic. Get rid of it all, and paradise will be sure to follow!

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, January 9, 2013, at the time of 6:33 PM

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