May 21, 2012
A Modernist Proposal to Make ObamaCare Better, Faster, and Stronger
In the spirit of ObamaCare's mandate on all employers, including religious institutions that don't happen to be churches, to push contraceptives, abortifacients, and sterilization, Big Lizards hereby proposes a new mandate1.
It is well known that pork has gotten a bad rap over the years for being dirty, poisonous, and loaded with fat; hence the campaign, thwarted by conservatives, to dub pork "the other white meat"2.
It doesn't help that pork is associated with lower-income consumers who live in the South and is frequently cooked in barbecues by hot smoke; science has proven how dangerous smoking is!
Thus we propose the Safe Porcine Alternative Mandate: All restaurants and food stores, regardless of Kosher or non-Kosher status (except for all establishments owned, operated, or frequented by Moslems, which are of course completely and utterly exempt from this mandate), are required by regulation to carry a full line of pork products, both raw and also ready to eat, prominently displayed on the menu and on store shelves; the mandate requires that all employees, servers, owners, customers, and random passers-by enthusiastically cooperate with the mandate by using all forms of rhetoric, persuasion, threats, and brute force to induce consumers to purchase large and expensive lots of these pork products, whether they like it or not3.
The mandate applies to all businesses, corporations, facilities, retail outlets, convenience stores (whether connected to a gasoline service station or not), candy stores, movie theaters, primary and secondary schools whether secular or sectarian, vending machines, and private pot-luck parties4.
We trust this will satisfy those rightwing wingnuts who whine that we're always picking on Catholics; hey, did you know that "Middle Class" Joe Biden is Roman Catholic? And when we dump him from the reelection ticket, that also won't be because we're picking on Catholics again.
And if SPAM + GloTE do not satisfy some fringe religious bitter-clingers, we have re-education centers with full waterboarding facilities ready and waiting to persuade them, calmly and rationally, to see things our way.
1 There is no need for Congress to act on this mandate; it can be "deemed" (by regulatory fiat) to be an integral part of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010, and be implemented forthwith pursuant to Executive Order 13666 by President Barack "Very Big Stick, Massive Stick" Obama.
2 Or, if you're one of those vegetarians who insist that fish are just vegetables with eyes, "the other other white meat."
3 If price or inavailability make it difficult to obtain pork products, those subject to the mandate and who earn less than $200,000 and who also pay a higher effective income tax rate than Debbie Bosanek, Warren Buffett's secretary, can substitute products that mix meat and milk (e.g., McDonald's Toyless Cheesburgers™ or Campbell's Cream of Rodent™ soup) on a Global Traif Exchange (GloTE), which is also deemed enacted by Congress pursuant to the same Executive Order 13666 that enacts the SPAM itself.
4 Reform and Orthodox Jewish synogogues are exempted on Saturdays and on High Holy Days; Conservative Jewish synogogues are not exempt because, well, we just don't like their name.
Hatched by Dafydd on this day, May 21, 2012, at the time of 1:51 PM
The following hissed in response by: seePea
The following hissed in response by: Dafydd ab Hugh
What, me? Or the post? <g>
The above hissed in response by: Dafydd ab Hugh at May 22, 2012 12:39 AM
The following hissed in response by: adagioforstrings
Over on Fox News, liberal Juan Williams pontificated that Catholics don't have to own schools or hospitals. Not to sound like I'm paranoid about Marxists or anything...but if the Dems can convince most people that's it's OK to nationalize one religion's private property to advance the purported common interest of the state, why can't they move to nationalize other denominations & finally everyone's private property?
The above hissed in response by: adagioforstrings at May 26, 2012 9:00 AM
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