August 5, 2009
Obama Birthday Officially Declared National Holiday of Thanksgiving
Children recruited across nation to praise the Dear Leader, sing birthday songs, and create the world's largest beaded photo mosaic of President Barack H. Obama.
Dulcet tones will echo in every city, town, and hamlet in the United States as 48,000 children -- 1,000 for every year of the Obamacle's life -- simultaneously sing the special birthday song at exactly 6:42 and 18 seconds A.M. Hawaii time... the exact moment of Barack Obama's birth, as reportedly recorded on the long-form birth certificate of our 44th President, according to unidentified officials who have actually seen it somewhere.
The song -- "the Battle Hymn of Hope" -- was composed by Sir Elton John and Danny Elfman... with kibbitzing from Liza Minelli via teleconference from the Sagging Mountains Prandial Control Sanitarium.
The first verse, which was released to the press yesterday at a conference held in the Western White House on the grounds formerly occupied by Neverland, expresses the child singers' joy that Mr. Obama has come to save their schools from financial collapse and negative attitudes:
Oh yes we do
To our Dear Leader
We shall be true
At last our country
Obama, we serve you!
According to knowledgeable insiders who refused to give their real names -- mysteriously insisting they be identified only as Shadrach, Meshach, and I.B. Nekkid, or the Three Young Dudes -- the other thirteen verses commemorate the great labors B.O. has already performed since January 20th.
The main festivities will commence immediately the song sputters to a close. Fluorescent candles will be activated to simulate the 77 days of turmoil between the election and the inauguration, when even the wisest were unsure who exactly was President anyway. After the invocation by the Berrigan Brothers, a brief and fleeting moment of silence will be observed to commemorate the seven lean years to come. The previous administration will be lightly dusted with flour and baked in effigy.
A three-day bank/school holiday has been declared. The One We Have Been Salivating For will end the solemn interval by singing an executive order declaring liberty, equality, and fraternity for all; the emancipation of all the slaves; and a long sought end to divisive and uncharitable criticism of the Dear Leader and his Dear Administration.
Poi and Spam sushi will be served in every school cafeteria during the ceremonies until Freaky Friday, when the penance shall be lifted for all those who avoided it earlier.
American voters of every race, creed, ideology, and nationality are invited to participate in this historic, audacious event by sending in their pledge cards and union votes. Beverages and health care will be available at subsidized prices.
Hatched by Dafydd on this day, August 5, 2009, at the time of 3:42 AM
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