April 1, 2008
California's new kind of vehicle checkpoint
The California Highway Patrol announced this week that towns around the state will introduce a completely new kind of vehicle checkpoint.
Officer Oliver Brownstain, an agency spokesman, explained that officers will conduct intelligence tests of drivers and confiscate the keys of drivers who fail to pass them.
The checkpoint will be set up along the busiest sections of road in each city and could entail delays of up to 90 minutes for each driver, depending on how stupid they are.
According to Brownstain, “In January of 2008 SB 28284 took effect. This bill, popularly known as the 'Driving While Stupid,' law, mandates that California’s drivers demonstrate that they are intellectually capable of operating a motor vehicle. ”The law exempts some vehicles, such as Humvees."
He added, without cracking a smile, “If you think that this law is unnecessary, then we probably want to talk to you further.”
Motorists taking the test will first be asked to get out of the car and go stand in the corner of a circle. The assistant testing officer will offer to hold any small bags of marijuana that they may be carrying on their person while they take the test.
Drivers’ keys will be examined for scorch marks, a sign of the operator attempting to insert the key into the cigarette lighter instead of the ignition.
The test will not be a rehash of the existing driver’s test that most motorists are required to pass when they first apply for a license. It will consist of multiple-choice questions such as: If a homeless person holding a sign asking for donations stands at the on ramp to a freeway, do you:
- Put the parking brake on before you come to complete stop to give him some money?
- Pass him first, and then stop and go into reverse in order to give him a donation?
- iIgnore him and continue drivng?
Another asks: The best way to stop a car is:
- By shifting into reverse;
- By running out of gas;
- With your foot.
The law is considered a companion to a law that will take effect in July requiring motorists to use hands free devices when operating a cell phone.
Legislative researcher Hans Frei, after whom that law was named, explained the reasoning: “We figure that most people are really too intellectually challenged to figure out how to use hands free devices. So this law will catch them, too. You must realize that the purpose of traffic laws, contrary to popular belief, is to generate income for the state, not make people safer. We thought about lowering the speed limit on freeways to 35 mph, but this seemed to be less of a hassle to enforce.”
The new law is being introduced with a marketing campaign. Its slogan: “If you’re stupid, we want your car keys,” is starting to show up on billboards all over the state of California.
Brownstain emphasized that drivers seen sounding out the syllables on the billboards will be subject to being pulled over.
The campaign will include TV and YouTube personalities particularly associated with stupidity, such as Dom Deluise, Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, Jade Goody and Paris Hilton. Britney Spears is honorary chairman. At several large cities in the state local news anchors will take turns as honorary spokesmen. In New York a similar law is being introduced with Eliot Spitzer as celebrity spokesman.
Officer Brownstain conceded that these checkpoints may entail some inconvenience to motorists and might even possibly cause some people to miss airline flights, doctor’s appointments and funerals.
“That’s the way it goes,” he remarked.
When confronted by a reporter who asked if this wasn’t a callous disregard for the rights of motorists, he chuckled and asked the reporter: “Where are you parked?”
He then commented, “We’re taking a page from our TSA brothers who have long held that the more they make people wait in line and the more humiliations they subject them to, the more they can justify their salaries. And while I wouldn’t want to bring up the current budgetary problems in Sacramento, I’m sure we could make these logjams move a little less like molasses if we were paid a living wage. Just a thought.”
The law was passed after intense lobbying by Mothers Against Dumb Driving, and S.M.A.R.T. (Single Matrons Against Retarded Transportation).
It was opposed by YTYSM (You Think Your So Smart!) an organization dedicated to ending discrimination in the workplace on the basis on non-performance. YTSYM plans to have demonstrators at various checkpoints throughout the state.
“It’s bad enough that workers are required to be on time and do their jobs without mistakes. Now they are making it harder for us to get to work by making us know how to drive! It’s unfair!”
Officer Brownstain explained that CHP hopes to use the checkpoints as a way of improving public relations with local residents.
“We know that we’ll have folks as a captive audience so we might as well have a good time. We’ll serve refreshments, including doughnuts and coffee, which is always a big favorite with us.”
Hatched by Dave Ross on this day, April 1, 2008, at the time of 12:02 AM
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Tracked on April 1, 2008 8:15 AM
The following hissed in response by: BarbaraS
You are a satirist extrodinaire. I actually believed you until I got halfway through your post. It really sounded like something California would do until that point.
The following hissed in response by: Voiceguy in LA
Happy April Fool's Day.
The following hissed in response by: Don
Was there any reports of the reaction of DUMM (Drunks Against Madd Muthers)?
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