Big Lizards:Blog:Entry “The King of France Marched Up the Hill With Thirty Thousand Men”

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March 3, 2008

The King of France Marched Up the Hill With Thirty Thousand Men

Hatched by Dafydd

There was a goon named Oogo,
Who drove off in his Yugo,
The revolution to go,
Boogo, bloogo, blew...

Today, pudgy Venezuelan strongman Oogo Chavez warned that Colombia was about to start a war... and so saying, he ordered six thousand troops, tanks, artillery, and cinematographers up to the Colombian border.

This was in response to the jaw-droppingly warlike act on the part of Colombia's President Alvaro Uribe, ordering Colombian troops to follow the narco-terrorist guerillas of FARC (Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia -- Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) across the Ecuadorean border... where they fell upon the Communist drug lords and killed seventeen of the murderers, including top butcher Paul Reyes.

It's not exactly clear what connection Oogo has with FARC, other than the obvious: Colombia is an American ally; therefore, any enemy to Colombia is brother to Oogo.

But when he found the border
Corrupt and in disorder,
And steenkin' just like Mordor,
The Oogo went where few go,
And stepped into the ordure --
Blowder, glowder glow!

But here's where the fun begins. Oogo, you see, has an ego the size of a planet (and not just a little rockball like Venus or Mars; I mean a gas giant... Saturn, at least). He truly believes that he is a god... or perhaps the God, to the extent to which he believes in any god at all. And he quite evidently believes that he (and his ally Ecuador) can simply brush aside the Colombian military -- and any military aid America sends -- like so much cotton candy. He believes the hype of his MoveOn friends that he can conquer Colombia and add it to Venezuela as the twenty-fourth state without consequence because America is "bogged down" in Iraq:

"This is something very serious. This could be the start of a war in South America," Chavez said. He warned Colombian President Alvaro Uribe: "If it occurs to you to do this in Venezuela, President Uribe, I'll send some Sukhois" -- Russian warplanes recently bought by Venezuela.

He called Uribe "a criminal" accusing him of being a "lapdog" of Washington saying "Dracula's fangs (are) are covered in blood."

The slaying of Reyes and 16 other guerrillas, Chavez said, "wasn't any combat. It was a cowardly murder, all of it coldly calculated."

One begins to believe that Oogo has imbibed a bit too much caliphate liquor from his pals the Iranians, and he begins to believe that with Allah (and R. Castro) on his side, he can conquer the entire continent of South America. The influence of the caliphatists is evident, as Oogo adds:

"The Colombian government has become the Israel of Latin America," an agitated Chavez said, mentioning another country that he has criticized for its military strikes. "We aren't going to permit Colombia to become the Israel of these lands. ... Uribe, we aren't going to permit you."

"Someday Colombia will be freed from the hand of the (U.S.) empire," Chavez said. "We have to liberate Colombia," he added, saying Colombia's people will eventually do away with its government.

This doesn't sound to me like a world leader issuing veiled threats of unnamed diplomatic sanctions, but rather like a belligerent drunkard tossed out of a bar, working himself up to bringing his shotgun back and taking out everybody what ever done him wrong -- in reality or in a whiskey delerium.

He was a petrol hoarder,
A snub and slight recorder,
This Oogo with his brujo
And military nouveau;
This larder overlorder
And terrorist resorter
Said "Uribe, now you go,
And that's a FARCing order!"
Oogo snoogo snew...

Believe it or not, if Oogo decides to make good his threat and invade Colombia in support of FARC, it may be the best thing that could ever happen to the bumptious Bolivarian bumpkin... from our perspective. It's hard to imagine that President George W. Bush would pass up the opportunity to crush Oogo's army... legitimately, no "pre-emptive" strike required, and without violating the troop cap put in place in 2000 and 2004.

All we need do is shift some of our SOUTHCOM Naval air forces and special forces from Florida to Colombia, but make it clear this has nothing to do with the drug-eradication program "Plan Colombia," thus is not subject to the 800-troop cap put in place by Congress in 2004. Of course, the American troops already present -- including quite a few special forces -- can function as the anvil against which the hammer of the new forces strikes, pulverizing the Venezuelan army in between them

And the best part is... what are the Democrats going to say, that we should simply let Oogo Chavez annex an entire nation and American ally to boot? The obvious analogy would not be to the Iraq war of 2003 but the Gulf war of 1990-1991; it would be virtually impossible for the Left to argue either that this was a war of American aggression (driving Oogo out of Colombia) or that it was too far away to matter to us -- since it's right in our own backyard.

And the upshot could well be that a defeated, mockable Chavez slinks back to Caracas and is promptly deposed by the dissenters, who currently number at least as many as his supporters. Who knows? He may even have to flee to his new best friend, Raul Castro -- if not to his traditional best friends, the mullahs of Iran.

Of course, he could just be bluffing. Perhaps he's only trying to whip his people into a patriotic, bloodthirsty fervor, the better to militarize Venezuelan society even more than it already is. He could stand at the Colombian border and shake his fist at the running-dog imperialist lackeys of the Great Satan, then lead the troops home in a glorious victory parade. Sure, nobody will quite be able to articulate what, exactly, was won; but when has that ever stopped demagogues?

Sadly, I suspect this is the more likely scenario. But perhaps a stern warning or two might so inflame the Oogo that he flings caution to the winds, hops on his horse, and gallups madly off in all directions.

We can only hope.

The Oogo and his crew go,
Like pirates from Tortugo,
Across the magic border,
Snorder, snooder snoo...

The border in short order
Is filled with bloody morder,
And Oogo's armored Yugos
Become taquito to-gos.

Caracas sues for quarter,
And Oogo's now a porter
(Hauls your bags where you go,
Trujillo up to Juneau)

No mullah more may through go
Our border thanks to Oogo;
The hydra's one head shorter --
Florder, flewder flew!

Hatched by Dafydd on this day, March 3, 2008, at the time of 6:20 AM

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» FARCing Follow-Up: Oogo Is Funding the Narco-Terrorist Group from Big Lizards
By way of a follow-up to our previous post, The King of France Marched Up the Hill With Thirty Thousand Men... According to the International Herald Tribune, after a Colombian air strike killed top FARC leader Raul Reyes and sixteen... [Read More]

Tracked on March 3, 2008 6:26 PM

» Another FARCing Rebel Taken Single-Handedly from Big Lizards
Ivan Rios, yet another high-ranking leader of the Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia (FARC, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) was evidently just killed, in this case by his own bodyguard: A top rebel leader was killed by his own... [Read More]

Tracked on March 7, 2008 11:53 PM

Comments

The following hissed in response by: Pam

Dafydd, you're a poet as well as a scholar. WOW! I am really tired of Chavez or as I call him the tick turd, but while a blow hard, I agree he's not studpid enough to invade Colombia.

Thread Highjack. I cringed when Hugh Hewitt said John McCain would win this fall. Hewitt hasn't been right since 2004.

The above hissed in response by: Pam at March 3, 2008 7:09 AM

The following hissed in response by: narciso79

It's unclear what direct tie Hugo has to the FARC;
however as Franklin Foer's profile of him in the Atlantic indicates, he had decided to become part oof the Red Banner, marxist insurgent group, some eeight years before his coup d'etat attempt. Since
his role model is Simon Bolivar, it wouldn't ssurprise to see his constitute the Original BBolivarian public

The above hissed in response by: narciso79 at March 3, 2008 8:38 AM

The following hissed in response by: MTF

Columbia is now claiming to have evidence on computers captured at the scene of direct consultations between FARC and the Ecuadorian government on military and border matters. If the claims are true, the Ecuadorian government has become an accomplice in kidnapping, murder and drug trafficing. One wonders if Columbia also found evidence tying Chavez directly to FARC in the same raid, evidence as yet unreleased.

I also wonder what allies Obama would suggest we begin urgent consultations with concerning FARC? And, would he be willing to sit down and talk things over with FARC's leadership, as he seems to be willing to sit and gab with every other troublesome revolutionary.

The above hissed in response by: MTF at March 3, 2008 9:14 AM

The following hissed in response by: hunter

It is long past time to crush FARC. They are now acting overtly as proixes for anti-freedom forces in the region. They are now a risk to the security of the region, and the united States.
I hope that we do not pass up this opportunity to clean up.

Oh great lizard, by the way, would you consider running the "Day By Day" Comic? With the merger of Capt's. Quarters into the Hot Air combine, the best comic on the internet needs a new home.

The above hissed in response by: hunter at March 3, 2008 9:22 AM

The following hissed in response by: J. Kent Hastings

The day before the border incidents (Farc and Venezuela massing), I just happened to post a YouTube video of the world's biggest Ciclovía on my permaculture blog. Ciclovía is a takeover of the main streets of Bogotá for pedestrians to stroll, bike, dance and otherwise recreate every Sunday and on holidays. It's a model for similar events in many countries including Venezuela. I'm guessing Chavez won't be attending this week.

The above hissed in response by: J. Kent Hastings at March 3, 2008 10:59 AM

The following hissed in response by: MTF

Lookie, lookie here. Columbia thinks they've found evidence of direct financial support between Chavez' government and FARC. Will evidence of tactical coordination be the next thing found?

The above hissed in response by: MTF at March 3, 2008 12:57 PM

The following hissed in response by: eliXelx

On sunday morning, just about 24 hours after the raid, and 2 or 3 hours after "the Israel of America" speech by Chavez, the online editorials of El Tiempo and El Pais, top newspapers in Bogota and Cali respectively, had attracted, cumulatively, about 5,000 posts, of which 4999 said, more or less, "BRING IT ON, FATTY!" and the other said, "NO, NO! LET'S WAIT 24 HOURS BEFORE WHACKING THE "HIJO DE POETA"
I lived in Colombia for 15 years; don't mess with Colombians unless you absolutely have to, Mr. Chavez!

The above hissed in response by: eliXelx at March 3, 2008 12:57 PM

The following hissed in response by: Mr. Michael

Chavez is either blustering for the US Media or he is in a personal medical emergency... Columbia may not be the heart of the Drug Cartel World anymore, but that does not mean that the people there are willing to let a man with a gun threaten them. If he went into Columbia, it would be a stunning loss for Chavez; there's no reason for him to risk that.

[By the way Mr. Lizard, your Italics need a at the end of your poem.]

The above hissed in response by: Mr. Michael at March 3, 2008 2:19 PM

The following hissed in response by: Mr. Michael

Hmmm... that was supposed to mention the need for a close tag, but it didn't come out that way. In any case, your italics are running wild again. Hehee..

The above hissed in response by: Mr. Michael at March 3, 2008 2:21 PM

The following hissed in response by: TerryeL

I think it is possible that Chavez is just trying to drive up the price of oil some more. However, he might just outsmart himself.

The above hissed in response by: TerryeL at March 3, 2008 2:55 PM

The following hissed in response by: Dafydd ab Hugh

Mr. Michael:

Actually, there was a </e> close-tag at the end of the poem... alas, there was an extra open tag (<e>) in the middle (one which didn't get erased)... and evidently, tags stack. Yeesh.

(Incidentally, if you want angle-brackets to appear, you need to use the HTML code for them, rather than typing them directly -- else they'll just get filtered out. They're actually considered less-than and greater-than symbols, so the HTML codes are < and >. And if you want the ampersand to appear, that's &. If you preview, the system will convert them to the actual symbols... which means you'll have to change them back to HTML code again, or they'll be stripped. Isn't this fun?)

There are times when I wonder what was going through the minds of Six Apart, makers of Movable Type, when they allowed open tags in one post to slop over into subsequent posts on the main page; you would think there would be an automatic "close all open tags" at the end of every post... perhaps one that you can manually override but would default to closing everything.

Hunter:

I worry about load time; I wonder how long it takes to load Day by Day? And suppose there is a glitch at the Day by Day website; the cartoon would have to be at the top, hence load before the blog text. Wouldn't that mean that, for however long it took the system to finally decide that the cartoon wasn't about to appear, you wouldn't even be able to read the blog?

I'm not totally opposed to carrying Day by Day, but -- like Digg This and other links to other websites -- I'm reluctant to set anything to load before the text besides the banner art (which is of course on the same server as the blog itself).

I wonder if I can have the Day by Day panels load vertically? If so, I could put it in the sidebar, and it would load after the blog text.

Dafydd

The above hissed in response by: Dafydd ab Hugh at March 3, 2008 3:33 PM