Big Lizards:Blog:Entry “Hillary at 3 a.m.”

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March 11, 2008

Hillary at 3 a.m.

Hatched by Dave Ross

The phone rings at 3 a.m. in the White House and Hillary rolls over in bed and answers.

HILLARY: This is the President of the United States. I’m tested and ready.

She listens to the speaker on the other end.

HILLARY: Where did they find him?

She listens.

HILLARY: Amsterdam? The red light district? Uh huh. Uh huh. Did he inhale?

She listens.

HILLARY: I know that I sent him as a good will ambassador to the world, but I specifically asked the Secret Service to keep him from spreading good will to that particularly part of the Netherlands. Do you know if they spread any to him? Well, I know they get their shots regularly and that the Dutch government is very proud of their health record, but you can’t be too careful.

She listens.

HILLARY: Can I speak to him?

She listens.

HILLARY: So, what do you have to say for yourself this time? Do you know that it’s 3 a.m. and the White House phone is ringing and I’m answering it?

She listens.

HILLARY: I don’t care if she has big hair.

She listens.

HILLARY: Bill, you need to control yourself. Do you know that I’ve already issued three pardons for solicitation and pandering, and the Washington police have been very cooperative, but you know that I can’t get away with it forever. Eventually the press corps might notice. If that photo of you dancing naked in the Tidal Basin ever got out onto YouTube I’d have to do something neither of us wants to see, like let Limbaugh or Samantha Power out of prison to distract everybody.

HILLARY: No, Bill, you can’t have a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich. I know you’re on vacation and outside of the U.S. and that National Health Insurance can’t monitor what you eat, but I’m still looking out for you.

She listens.

HILLARY: No, you can’t rent out the Lincoln bedroom to Britney Spears when you get home, and especially not on a night when you’re going to be staying there. Which you’ll be doing for about a month after you get home. Unless you prefer the couch.

She listens.

HILLARY: Good night, Bill.

She hangs up the phone, thinks about it for a minute, and then picks it up again and punches in several numbers.

HILLARY: Chief Justice Roberts. Yes, I know it’s 3:10 a.m., but I wanted to let you know that a little bird told me that the court is about ready to vote that it’s unconstitutional for me to put people who have refused to sign up for universal health care in Guantanamo as terrorist detainees. Well, we need to have a conversation about that, John. Unless you and the rest of the court don’t want to join those malcontents, along with Brit Hume and Sean Hannity, I suggest you reconsider your vote. Good morning.

She hangs up the phone.

HILLARY: As I said, I’m tested and ready, with the experience that only eight years in the White House as Bill’s first lady could give me.

Hatched by Dave Ross on this day, March 11, 2008, at the time of 11:53 PM

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Comments

The following hissed in response by: Don

The timing on this one in interesting. Call arrives at 3 AM EST. Nederlands is 6 hours ahead of DC, so that would mean the Big Dog got kenneled no earlier than 7 AM! Unless they let him spend the night in the drunk tank of course?

Awoooo, werewolves of Amsterdam! Hilary should do what any good wife would do under the circumstances, give Bill Eliot Spitzers phone # and ask for a referral to a certain 'high-class' escort service. Though (come to think) Spitzer probably got the number from BC in the first place.... ;)

The above hissed in response by: Don at March 12, 2008 12:46 PM